Whine then #64

It's been a rough time of late. I'm not sure if that's because of the shift of Saturn to Leo or my still dealing with Dad's exit from my life and the implications for my family...or perhaps it's the very demoralizing conditions at work. Maybe it's because it's hot outside and the house gets stuffy beyond reason. Or it could be because our bed is so tiny and hard and the room we sleep in so bereft of cheer.

I just know that I am unhappy, that tears are always close at hand and to boot I have now found myself in the habit of making silly mistakes that frustrate me and convince those around me that perhaps I am, after all stupid.

I am unequivocably grown up but I am not the person I thought I would be. I am instead the person who through a series of negotiations with fear has become boring and solitary. Small in nature if not in stature, depressed, overweight, sickly. My attempts at change have been fitful and I've given up too many times to count. It's a very sad chapter this one. And I'd like to fast forward to the part where I finally find redemption. Because the tediousness of this existence is very wearing.

I've been in this spot before, the place of emotional globalization where one sorrow feeds another and another until I am just one big weepy sore. When it first happened, at 10, I thought it just pre-teen angst. When it happened again, many times in fact, in my twenties, with all my turbulent relationships and survival terror, I came to believe that I was unstable and needed therapy or a good lock down. In my thirties, these little fugues were more closey associated with work and marriage and the struggles inherent in being in a family.

The good thing is that whatever these episodes are, they have always abated...so I'll just wait this one out too.


100 things about me #64
#64 - I have visions of grandeur, but I am not great...and I find that fact painful.